What they don't tell you...

So today for some reason I realized that I'm 3 weeks away from the third trimester. Suddenly I started crying. I realized that all of the hard work is going to be worth it and in a few months I'll have my bundle of joy. But what they don't tell you is that once or if you come to that conclusion (it's especially more daunting when you're on bed rest or not wanting to get too attached because of the past) is that every moment is beyond difficult. Every little thing scares me & while I know I shouldn't get too worried if all seems normal I still manage to scare myself. These books make pregnancy seem like a breeze. 40 weeks of pure bliss. While that may be true for most women, some of us don't have that luxury and I wish I had known that. Now I do but it came at a price--I've lost 2 sons. I hope one day more women will be aware & not face the heartache some of us have.

History lesson

So as of today I'm 25 w 2 d pregnant. Quite a feat for someone in my position. Let's take you back in time. Now I won't bore you w dates or gory details but just enough info to get the gist of things.

This is our 4th pregnancy. Our first pregnancy ended at 20 weeks. My husband was in Iraq so I was with my parents. Of course with any first time thing you never know what to expect and that's just what happened. I woke up and did my normal routine. Went to lunch with my friend & to target. I had to use the restroom & when I did noticed discharge that could have been my plug. Obviously I had no idea what it was so I went on w my day to monitor things. As I walked thru the store I felt odd. Tightening, cramping so I went home to sleep it off. 2 hours later the pain intensified & I had more spotting & bleeding. My mom then took me to the ER who referred me to L&D. While there the pain got worse. It took about 6 hours to get an ultrasound where they saw I was indeed dilated & my son was in the birth canal. It was too late to do a cerclage so I was induced & delivered the next day. Our son lived for 35 minutes and was such a traumatic experience. I laid in the hospital bed & had to break the news to my husband. Thankfully I was able to place a red cross call & he came home on emergency leave to deal with cremation procedure. If your child is born after 20 weeks law requires you to fill out paperwork including birth & death certificates as well as proper burial or cremation procedure. All of this needed to be done within 3 days. So we took care of whet we had to o as a family & my husband was by my side each & every moment. I knew nothing would break us :) silver lining I suppose.

Our second pregnancy ended at 6 weeks where I started bleeding. Apparently I have a history of subchrionic hematomas which could have caused our loss but well never know.

The third pregnancy was similar to the first. I had been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix but my doctor had said he didn't think I had true IC since I felt contractions. So no cerclage was placed & I was given progesterone shots. One night I woke up at midnight or so to use the bathroom & my plug had passed. No contractions whatsoever. Just the need to pee. Hubby then drove me to the ER. 2 hours later I had an ultrasound where I was 8cm dilated. I was rushed to L&D and placed in trendlenburg position. My doc said if my contractions stopped a cerclage might be possible. They never stopped & my water broke. I then delivered our son & the process happened all over again. God bless my husband for always being with me.

Now, I'm 25 w 2 d pregnant. The farthest I've ever been before. My husband is in Afghanistan but will be home soon. I see an amazing Hugh risk OB at UCLA. He noticed at 13 w that my cervix was ripening & I was already dilated. 2 days later I was in the hospital for a cerclage. I've been bed ridden since then. It's been an emotional, physical roller coaster but it's been worth it. Every kick I feel brings the biggest smile to my face. I can't wait to see my son in July. He's going to be so loved.

Although it's been a difficult journey I have faith in God. He's shown me that I'm stronger than I realized & that thru deployments & the loss of our sons I have the best husband ever. I'm blessed in all aspects of life. A great family, a strong marriage and a good head on my shoulders. Thank you God.

Well well well

It took me a while to finally muster up the courage to put pen to paper err thoughts to blog. Most of the time I start a blog and quit half way through typing my first post. Lol. Anyways all joking aside, I read a blog that said that after a while your perception of a situation tends to be watered down so why not just write now? So that's what I did. I'm starting my blog. I'm a quite random person and not grammatically correct so yes things may not make sense but as long as you get the understanding then were both winning! Biwinning. Lol.

So let's begin shall we!? I'm 24 & married to my amazing husband. He's been in the Navy for going on 8 years now with 4 of those as a married couple. 3 deployments w the Marines and were still going strong :) were currently expecting a son in July. We've been pregnant 3 times prior to this but unfortunately lost them with 2 of those happening during the 2nd trimester.

So this blog is to document everything. Our journey as a couple, as soon to be parents, as people trying to survive in a chaotic world. :)

Enjoy!